my childhood home in the rearview mirror the day we left

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” - Genesis 2:24

When people say “marriage is hard,” I think it can mean something different for everyone. For some people, marriage can test your ability to share a living space… for others it might bring about difficulties with finances… some couples struggle with pregnancy… and for some people, it’s just hard to agree on things. For us, it’s been leaving & cleaving.

I can hardly believe it looking back but I cried my way up to Milwaukee with my mom the day we moved all of Griffin & I’s stuff up here. We listened to “Our Last Summer” from Mama Mia and yep, we simultaneously LOST IT! If you had pulled up to our car on the interstate, you would have thought we were delusional as we sobbed through this mother daughter song.

You may or not be surprised, depending on how well you know me, that I found myself ugly crying in the shower during month two of marriage. The kind where you start to make strange noises as you inhale to catch your breath. A few weeks later I found myself riding around on a brand new scooter that my brand new husband had bought for me… all the while in tears about being homesick. I managed to tackle the “leaving” part of Genesis 2:24 but had not yet mastered the cleaving part.

This is not all about missing your family though after you get married… this is so much more. Some people live minutes from their parents or their hometowns after they say “I do,” but leaving is so much more than a geographical thing. Although I highly recommend moving away for at least a few years, leaving can sometimes be more about a mindset and not a change of location. Leaving can involve leaving your old “single self” behind. Leaving can mean leaving behind things you once loved to give more of yourself and your time to your marriage. Leaving can mean spending less time with your friends to prioritize your #1 relationship. For everyone, leaving means something different.

Cleaving… what does that even mean in marriage? After reading a few of my pre-marital books, I feel like cleaving could be described as “the natural outcome of leaving.” When you decide to leave mentally, emotionally and/or physically you naturally learn to cleave. You gradually depend on each other for important things like taking you to urgent care or smaller things like grabbing some toilet paper when you run out. You become reliant on one another for everything in between the big and small things. It’s a process for sure but cleaving can be a beautiful illustration of how God designed a marriage to be a strong union. Cleaving builds trust and trust binds us closer to one another.

I can’t be a hypocrite though and say I don’t miss my family, the familiarity of where I grew up and of course, my dog. But you know what? Because of what I miss, I don’t miss. I don’t miss lazy evenings bonding with my husband. I don’t miss opportunities to meet new people. I don’t miss opportunities to make memories in a new place. When we got married, we promised to be there for each other… that promise was put in action when we were given the chance to rely soley on each other. When we were pulled away from everyone and everything we knew as familiar, the relationship we already had became even stronger, deeper and more consistent.

Looking back on those early months of marriage, I smile at how much I was longing for home. I smile because it’s a sweet reminder of how over time God has shaped Griffin into a husband who brings me many of the same comforts that I once only found at home. I still love coming home to my childhood home but time away is okay. I’m so thankful for our pre-marital counseling where we learned that “leaving your family is healthy” and that “setting boundaries and prioritizing your new life together is part of God’s design.”

Starting life up here in Milwaukee has changed Griffin & I so much. It has gotten me out of my comfort zone. It has given us a new church family. It has allowed for a fresh start. And most importantly, it has taught us how to work together as one without distraction.